Integrated Counseling

The shortest day of the year, when the northern hemisphere is tilted as far away from the sun as we can be, falls on December 21, 2023. Around the winter solstice the sun’s arc in the sky remains close to the horizon, barely appearing to rise and set. (Solstice means “sun stands still” in Latin.) If you step outside at noon on the winter solstice your shadow will be the longest that your body casts all year. 

When I read that fact in this Nat Geo Kids article, the Jungian Shadow archetype came immediately to mind. Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist, defined the Shadow as the dark and unacceptable side of our psyche. It forms as we mold ourselves to fit society and find that our aggression, jealousy, hatred, etc. is not appropriate to others. Jung believed that we all have this Shadow side although we may not all be aware of it because it can get buried so deep inside.

As we approach the winter solstice this year, I’d like to offer a meditation for our longest shadows: the parts of ourselves that we are afraid of, the parts that others disdain, the parts that we hate the most. This exercise comes from Internal Family Systems therapy, the modality I use both with clients and personally. You can do it like a meditation or a journaling prompt.

Find a comfortable seat and close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths in and out, settling into your breath and your body. 

If you have a shadow part in mind that you’d like to get to know better, great. If not yet, think of a part of you that deals with your problems in a way you’d rather it not. For example — the part of you that clams up in social situations, or the part that drinks too much when you’re stressed, or the part that yells at your partner when you’re frustrated. Choose one of these difficult parts to get to know better. 

Once you’ve selected a target part, internally invite that part to step forward so that you can speak with it. If visualization helps you, you may imagine that part emerging in your mind’s eye. If you are struggling to call forth this part, recall a recent experience when it took over for you. Bring that experience into your mind and notice where you feel that part showing up. For example, my angry parts often show up in my hands and chest. My anxious parts nearly always hang out in my gut. My intellectual parts think away in my head. Spend a few moments here Finding, Focusing on, and Fleshing out this part of you in your body. Really feel its anger, its shame, its anxiety, however it feels.

As you feel and face this part, ask yourself “How do I Feel towards this part of me?” Chances are the answer is something like we’ve already mentioned: scared of the part, angry with the part, anxious about the part. As those feelings come up, treat them each like their own parts and internally ask them to step back one by one to give you some space and time with your target part. Reassure them that you’re interested to get to know them, too, but you’ll be focusing on your target part for now. 

Continue asking yourself “How do I feel towards this part?” until the answer is something like: curious, compassionate, calm or present. Once you access some internal space and curiosity, extend it towards your target part. Let it know that you’re feeling curious to get to know it, or compassionate towards it, and see how it responds. Spend a few moments beFriending this part by extending your compassionate and curious Self energy towards it.

As you settle into this more spacious place with this difficult part, ask it about its Fears. What is the part afraid would happen if it didn’t drink so much/yell at your partner/clam up around others? Wait and listen for a response. Maybe the part is afraid that you won’t get the respect you deserve if you don’t yell; or that you’ll be overwhelmed by stress if you don’t drink; or that you’ll make a fool of yourself if you speak up. Ask it what it’s afraid of happening and see if you can understand that. If you can, let it know that you see what it’s trying to do for you. Extend some appreciation for the part that’s working hard to protect you, in some way. It may not seem helpful, but try to listen for the good intention of your shadow part and let it know that you see the effort. Spend a few moments pausing here in appreciation.

You may want to continue asking the part more questions, like “How long have you been doing this?” or “Where did you learn this strategy?” or “Who else are you protecting inside of me?” Take as much time as you like with your target part, and when you’ve finished be sure to thank it for speaking with you. If you asked other parts to step aside and wait earlier, check back in with them and thank them for giving you some space. Let everyone know that you’ll be back to check in with them at another time. Thank yourself for having the courage to get to know this shadow part of you.

When you’re ready, return your focus to your surroundings. Take a few more deep breaths and open your eyes.

You may have noticed the capitalized F words throughout the exercise: Find, Focus, Flesh, Feel, Friend, Fears. These are the 6 F’s of Internal Family Systems therapy and a foundational tool that we use to unblend from difficult parts of us and begin to form healthier relationships with them. You can use the 6 F’s with any part of you at any time.

As the days get shorter and shorter still until December 21, remember your longest shadows. Hold them as dear as your most prized parts, for they too, are parts of you.

“Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening” by Robert Frost:

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village though;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer

To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake

To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound’s the sweep

Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

Meredith Rose, LCSW is a therapist in St. Louis, Missouri. She writes about and works with sexuality, relationships, and human beings. Find out more about her at wholenessandchoice.com.