Integrated Counseling

Wellness is not something we feel all the time. It is not a permanent end state that we reach with enough therapy and exercise and self-care. Wellness comes and goes, and even coexists with sickness and suffering. Instead of a clear linear path, wellness is a direction we choose in the tiniest of moments that collectively adds up to a greater sense of wellbeing. 

There are so many thoughts, feelings and urges that pass through us every moment. Some of them are healthy, but chances are you also notice unhealthy and unhelpful activity inside. The part of you that wants to keep scrolling even though you should sleep; the part that eats mindlessly; the one who doesn’t want to stop drinking or smoking even though you’re trying to quit. Even darker, there are parts that want to hurt ourselves or others, or seem to want us to die. How do we keep ourselves moving towards wellness when there are parts of us that don’t want it at all; in fact, they actively want to do things we know are not good for us?

Whenever I notice an urge toward something that’s “bad” for me, first, I try to accept this part of myself. As in: let it be there and see it for what it is. Chances are that the rest of your system is afraid of these “bad” parts – they recognize the overeater, the drinker, the suicidal one inside – and they don’t like it when they take control. So your first instinct may be to ignore the bad parts, or fight them into submission, or berate them for their unhealthy urges. Observe all of that, note who is trying to get the bad part to change in some way, and turn towards this part of you with compassion and openness.

IFS (Internal Family Systems) calls some of these difficult parts “Firefighters”. Their job in the system is to come in when things are overwhelming and put out the fire. They work quickly and bring relief quickly, just like real firefighters. And when we look closely at these parts we can learn whose fire they are putting out. 

So now, I greet this part with genuine curiosity. Welcome it like an old friend, or a new one. Invite it to share about the “job” it’s been doing for you (e.g. drinking, numbing, etc). What is it afraid would happen if it didn’t do its job? With gentle curiosity and compassion, you will start to see the good intentions that this part has for you. It may be trying to keep you safe, regulated, or loved; it’s reacting to another part of your inner or outer world, trying its best to keep it all together. To keep your system balanced and well.

In IFS, we have a saying that there are “No Bad Parts” of us. Because society demonizes addicted parts, mentally ill parts, violent parts, slow parts and others, it can be a challenge to start seeing them as trying their best to help. As inherently Good. But this reframe is necessary for real wellness. Because if we continue to push the “Bad” away, exiling those people to prison or casting them out of society, cutting them out of our families or friend groups, burying them within ourselves, we are ignoring a whole bunch of people and parts who need our help. And we can’t be wholly well until we help those who are struggling, too. 

This paradox of wellness reminds me of a favorite poem by Rumi, “The Guest House”:

Meredith Rose, LCSW is a therapist in St. Louis, Missouri. She writes about and works with sexuality, relationships, and human beings. Find out more about her at wholenessandchoice.com.