Integrated Counseling

The winter holiday season is upon us. Families and friends will soon gather around full dinner tables and make themselves comfortable in warm living rooms. Smells of pot roasts, root vegetables, mulled wine, cinnamon, and evergreens will fill the air. The cold, dark days will be slightly thawed by the light of connecting with loved ones.

The holidays are also a busy and emotional time of year. With family often comes stress or anxiety; we may feel the absence of loved ones more strongly; various personal struggles are likely to be triggered; and, the pressures of consumerism are perhaps at an all time high. This article will offer some tips for navigating the holidays with more calm, ease and satisfaction.

Our family of origin naturally brings up childhood issues and dynamics, no matter how old we are, how many years have passed, or how much work we have done. Reflect on how being around different family members makes you feel.

• You might journal with prompts of “what does being around my _________ (brother, mother, father-in-law, uncle, grandfather, etc) bring up for me?”
• Spend some time with those parts of yourself, listening to their feelings and memories, and ask what they need from you as you prepare to spend time with this person/people.

Acknowledging your needs before you spend a week on vacation with family, for example, can be very helpful for navigating the feelings that are likely to come up when you’re with them. Here, we can especially think about how much space we need (i.e., boundaries) between ourselves and these loved ones in order to best enjoy their company. I have found that it takes regularly checking in with myself to know the right balance between closeness and taking space that helps me stay calm, present, and enjoy my time with family members.

Communication is also helpful for making sure we enjoy ourselves (and give others the best opportunity to do the same). Practice calmly and clearly communicating your feelings and needs to those around you during the holidays. It’s always okay to kindly express how you feel, or ask someone for something you need. Good communication often relieves tension and clears the air, allowing more space for genuine presence, playfulness and connection.

The holidays may also be a time of sadness and grief, noticing the loss of loved ones in our lives. Whether you have lost a loved one around the holidays in the past and anticipate the anniversary of their death, or have recently lost someone important to you, it is helpful to tend to these parts of our experience amidst the joy of the holiday season. We can compassionately hold both our grief and enjoy the present moment, especially when we are in tune and in touch with both. It is okay to feel sad or down among others who are celebrating, and vice versa.

• Some questions to reflect on while journaling:
  • What and who does this time of year remind me of? Allow yourself to acknowledge and feel everything that comes up.
  • What hopes do I have for how this holiday/event/gathering will go? What do I need to do in order to make those things happen What hidden expectations might I be holding that I’m not yet recognizing?
  • How do I feel towards my grief?
  • What are some of my favorite memories of my lost loved one(s)?

When we let go of any expectations for how we expect or hope to feel and allow whatever is there to come and go naturally, we feel more at ease and confident in ourselves. You might want to try engaging in something ceremonial or a tradition that honors your lost loved ones around the time of their death.

Other personal struggles might be more easily triggered during the holidays. Some examples in particular that I think of are recovery from eating disorders and substance use or addiction. The holidays center around food and drink, and these can be reasons that people early in their recovery might avoid holiday gatherings or feel uncomfortable at them. Be aware of your own experience here and take care of yourself as needed, and also have compassion for others who you might not recognize are in recovery.

Just as food and drink can get excessive during the holidays, so too can spending and consumerism. The last couple of months of the year see the highest levels of advertising (and spending) compared to the rest of the year. Of course you may spend as you please, but also be aware of the increased pressure and allow yourself to step back from expected spending on gifts. Gifts can always be free, very low cost, or something creative without spending much money. Or you can opt out all together and do something else for loved ones at the holidays.

Speaking of opting out, my last tip for enjoying the holidays is to take stock of your traditions. Which ones did your family pass down to you? Which do you enjoy, and which can you let go of? Create new traditions with family and friends and even just with yourself. Engaging in traditions year after year can provide lots of satisfaction for you and loved ones. Some of my favorite holiday traditions include cooking and enjoying meals together, decorating a tree, making garlands, going ice skating and sledding, drinking hot drinks together, sitting around a bonfire or lighting a yule log, setting new year’s intentions and goals, making a vision board for the new year.

All in all, tend to yourself – your feelings, your memories, your needs – during this provocative time of year. Doing so frees up space for you to be with your loved ones during the holidays, and truly enjoy them. Be intentional with your time, energy, and activities like traditions. Wishing you peace, joy and light during this holiday season!

Meredith Rose is a sex therapist in St. Louis, Missouri. She works with adolescents, adults and couples in therapy. Meredith founded Integrated Counseling in 2023 with the goal of providing accessible trauma-informed therapy for women, sexual and gender minorities, and diverse clients of all backgrounds. With the right support we can all live authentic, integrated and healthy lives that we choose for ourselves and our communities.