Integrated Counseling

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. The first two articles in this series discuss our current framework for sexual consent, where it comes from and how it fails to move us toward better sex and sexual justice. This final piece asks, How else could we look at sexual consent? It explores attunement, embracing uncertainty, and Self-Led Sexuality as three possible aspects.

Attunement

Attunement is the practice of “tuning in” to someone else’s experience. It means paying close attention to verbal and non-verbal communication, listening deeply and trying to understand the other’s experience. As Clementine Morrigan put it in her article, Consent for people’s real sex lives where we don’t sound like robots (2023), “attunement is an orientation of curiosity and openness, a sincere wanting to know, with no agenda and no expected outcome.” 

Imagine entering a sexual scenario with such an attitude: no agenda and no expected outcome, sincerely open and curious with your partner. There is so much possibility in this space! Literally, infinite possibilities.

Our first experiences with attunement begin at birth. Parents and caregivers must attune to their newborns’ needs; attunement is necessary for our survival. Therefore, lack of attunement and misattunement are sources of pain and wounding for us, and we could all use some practice and support with tuning in.  

Attunement seems like the underlying thread for any healthy sexual consent framework. Putting it at the forefront of sexual experiences makes room for deep connection, moment-to-moment paying attention, and really “feeling together” through the experience, even when the territory ahead is unknown.

Embracing uncertainty

In a Fucking Cancelled podcast episode (#62) about this very topic–the complexities of navigating healthy sex in today’s world–Katherine Angel, author of Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again, offered this golden nugget of truth:

“One of the risky things and in fact one of the erotic things and one of the exciting things about sex is that you don’t know what you’re going to do; you don’t know what you’re going to want to do; what will emerge in you.” 

Embracing this uncertainty opens doors for deep eroticism and satisfaction. Planning out how sex will go ahead of time can be boring and unsexy. How can we invite the unknown in a way that also feels safe?

There is something about the interplay of safety and adventure in relationships that keeps a spark alive. Esther Perel, famed sex and couples therapist, has long written about this paradox. We must acknowledge that our partners are largely unknown to us–they have vast inner worlds that we are not privy to no matter how long we’ve known them. When we start to think we know, or predict how things will go, this is where life gets stale. It’s actually the “not knowing” that fuels desire, especially in long-term relationships.

Making space for the unknown, both within ourselves and others, can feel scary. Sexual trauma abounds and it is understandable that people want to protect themselves. Yet it seems that to have both respectful, consensual and also hot and intimate sex, we need to acknowledge, and better yet, embrace such uncertainty. This is a difficult but crucial element that must be worked into healthy sexual models.

Self-Led Sexuality

Finally, we have the lens of Self-Led Sexuality to try on. This piece comes from Patricia Rich, and you can learn more by listening to the “IFS and Self Led Sexuality with Patricia Rich” episode on The One Inside: An Internal Family Systems (IFS) Podcast.

IFS believes that we all have a Self at our core. Amidst the various parts making up our personalities, we always have a Calm, Confident, Courageous, Connected, Curious, Creative, Compassionate and Clear leader available within us. A goal of IFS therapy is to help clients be more Self-led–to embody this calm, confident space and live from it. Living more Self-led is stabilizing, fulfilling, and energizing for people.

Patricia Rich has expanded this further to suggest that we also have a Sexual Self within us. Since sexuality is an inherent part of being human, this makes a lot of sense. Our Sexual Self Energy, in turn, feels Safe, Sensual, Spacious, Sensitive, Steamy and Satisfying. When entering into a sexual space, either with a partner or by ourselves, we can start with the first S and go through the roadmap to notice how much Sexual Self Energy we are embodying. 

1. Safe – Always start here first. How safe am I feeling?
2. Sensual – Can I notice sensations? Am I in my body and relaxed?
3. Spacious – What’s between me and feeling spacious right now? (What’s distracting you? Note these parts for working with/processing later)
4. Sensitive – How aware of sensation, both physical and emotional, am I?
5. Steamy – Is there warmth, heat, vibration, movement inside of me?
6. Satisfying – This doesn’t necessarily mean an agenda was reached–or that orgasm happened. It’s satisfying to experience Sexual/Self Energy in itself.

Sex from a Self-Led place is more fulfilling and energizing. We are present and aware of our inner experience, attending and attuned to ourselves and our partners. The more we embody our Self-Led Sexuality, the more satisfying these experiences will be. 

However we think about and teach consent (and ultimately this is up to each of us) there are many helpful pieces to consider. Some pieces of VOSE may fit for you. Choose what works best for you and your loved ones: Attunement, embracing uncertainty, and Self-Led Sexuality are just three such possibilities that should encourage us towards healthier, more satisfied sex lives.